Those Goddam Latte Chinos

While talking to my grandpa the other day, I discovered that apparently I should cancel the full coverage insurance on my ten year old Ford Explorer because I’m “throwing money down the goddam drain.”  According to this guy, one should never hold full coverage insurance on a car that’s over five years old.  I thought I was being uber responsible by having full coverage because I’m one of the most horrifying drivers on the face of the planet.  True story. 

“You’re getting poorer while those insurance companies are getting richer!” he proclaimed, “you need to put that car on liability and quit giving all your hard earned money to people!”

Before I could get a word in, he demanded to know how much money I had in savings.

“Enough, old man,” I said, “I’ve got things under control.”

“How much?” he demanded.

I gave him a dollar amount that was a total exaggeration and he nearly had a heart attack.

“You need more!” he screamed.  Or he tried to scream.  One can only scream so loud when one has a hole in one’s neck that is typically full of boogers.

“You need to be putting fifty dollars more a month in savings than you are now!  You need to quit buying those goddam latte chinos and take all the money you spend on those goddam things and put it in the bank!”

I am pretty much used to his bizarre outbursts that come out of the blue.  I am very aware that my grandparents think I am a total lunatic and completely incapable of a logical thought.  They base this belief on the fact that I am a “goddam liberal hippy” and have been “brain warshed by a bunch of goddam liberal professors.”  According to these people, I am a hippy tree lover and need to stop associating with sissies, liberals, and homosexuals.  Because I hang out with such bizarre people, my grandparents assume that my acquaintances alone are the reason for all my life’s problems.  If I call my grandpa and tell him I got a flat tire on my way to class, he says, “well, if you’d quit associating with those goddam liberals and homosexuals perhaps you wouldn’t have gotten a flat tire, dumbass.”  I don’t know what the crap this guy is talking about but whatever. 

     So after my grandpa’s verbal assault, I asked my friend and his bromantic roommate if I should drop my full coverage and switch to liability.  They both told me that doing that would be a horrible idea.  Perhaps in order to afford my full coverage insurance I need to cut out an unnecessary expense.  I didn’t tell my grandpa this earlier, but it isn’t my “goddam latte chinos” making me poor. The fact that I spend an incredible amount of money on slutty clothes and alcohol is a more appropriate reason as to why I’m consistently broke. The next time he starts harassing me about my horrifying “personality defects” I’m going to remind him that he’s the one who raised me.