So, I woke up at noon since I got home from work at 4:30 in the blasted morning. After consuming an ungodly amount of pizza and buffalo wings for breakfast, I decided grocery shopping was in order. I typically drag Makayla on my shopping excursions for company but was in the mood to shop alone. I left her with Matt Face and drove to United. I was shopping for fruit and veggies for Makayla to ensure she develops good eating habits when my ex-boyfriend’s friend walked by. She said, “Hi Jess! How are you?”
“I’m good, how about you?” I asked her, figuring she'd say "fine," and go away. I was distracted by the outrageous price on produce and wondered if I would be OK with allowing welfare to buy my kiddos' fruits and veggies. I decided that the welfare card thing wouldn't go with my wallet and dismissed the idea.
Anyway, she took my socially appropriate inquery of her wellbeing as her cue to start telling me about herself. I was a little startled by this since her last words to me were “You’re an asshole!” after I kindly asked her to get off my boyfriend’s face. I picked out peaches and cherries while she told me about her new boyfriend. As I was picking out plums, I saw there were fruit flies having an orgy in them. I started dry heaving and tried to conceal my face since I figured this was not the reaction she was looking for after telling me she had just finished grad school. She doesn’t know me well enough to know I have the weakest stomach in the world. Just a few days ago, I dry heaved violently after scraping crusty ketchup combined with honey mustard into the garbage disposal. Makayla likes to mix the two together and dip her veggies into her “creation.” Hours later, as I was telling Matt about it, I started dry heaving again and he said he didn’t need to know any more details since apparently, listening to me dry heave on the phone is annoying. Vomiting is my initial reaction to any strong emotion: fear, worry, anger, extreme happiness. When Caleb fell down the stairs when he was one, I vomited as I tried to retrieve him. When I learned that my Uncle Shoni had passed away, I barfed as I hung up the phone. When I learned I had won a 1,500 dollar scholarship on the ethics of trying to interfere with women’s circumcision in third world countries, I barfed. I am aware that this is not normal behavior but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m assuming when Matt does propose to me, he will need to do so with an umbrella just to be safe. Since I told him I want to be proposed to by a light house under the stars and next to the ocean while wearing a white skirt on a breezy night, I think I’ll have a fair warning. Anyway, I recovered from my dry heaves and alerted an employee to the fruit fly situation. I had just witnessed her pulling a cooler down for a customer from a high shelf and having like, ten of them fall on top of her and I felt bad to make her day worse, but someone needed to fix the infestation. I told Jake’s friend it was nice to see her and that I had to go since she had started asking me questions about myself. Telling the friends of your ex anything about yourself is never a good idea, especially when your ex’s friends are the type of people who will not only deliver whatever information you give them to your ex, they will create an extremely crude version of what you said. If I had told her, “Yeah, life’s good. I just cured AIDS,” she would tell him, “she said you gave her AIDS.” That kind of thing. Even though I bid her farewell, she continued speaking to me which was irritating. First of all, a grocery store is not the place to play catch up. That’s what margarita bars and tumbleweed throwing competitions are for. Duh. I listened a few more minutes, doing that whole walk away slowly thing while checking the time and repeatedly saying, “I have to go,” and she still didn’t get it. After seeing that this girl’s ability to pick up on social cues was on the same level of Muammar Gadaffi, I just abruptly turned and walk away. When I got home, I gave Makayla some cherries so she would have antioxidants radiating throughout her body and told Matt I know too many people in this town.
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