I’ve always
been pretty big on eating well and working out.
I have a weakness when it comes to fast food but the healthier I eat,
the grosser it is. Since I’ve known
Micah, I have tried to keep him healthy and alive as long as possible. I stock him up on vitamins, load up his
tractor and truck with sun screen, encourage healthy eating. It’s like trying to convert a full blown
blood thirsty barbarian into a healthy, civilized human being. He fights EVERYTHING I introduce or simply
ignores my instructions. For example,
the other day, I called him.
“Hi!” I said, “I’ve found a natural way you can take care of
your-“
“No.” he said.
What an obnoxious man.
“You haven’t even heard it yet,” I told him, “just
listen. It’s called oil pulling. You basically get coconut oil and by swishing
it around in your mouth for twenty-“
“I ain’t doin’ that,” he said.
“Micah it removes toxins and bacteria from your mouth. And since you refuse to see a dentist, EVER,
it will at least help. Plus, it makes
your skin glow.”
“I don’t want glowing skin,” he said.
“Whatever,” I told him, “You're trying this when I get home. Now the second thing I wanted to talk to you
about wheatgrass. This stuff is
absolutely amazing and I can make it from home.
You just take a shot in the morning, afternoon-“
“No,” he said, “I ain’t drinkin’
wheatgrass. Do all the hippie weird shit
you want but I ain’t doin’ it.”
“Would you listen?” I said in my “Micah
shut up” voice, “at least listen to why it’s beneficial before you decide to be
a horses butt about it. Just because it’s
good for you doesn’t mean it’s not manly.”
“I AM ALL MAN BABY!” he roared into the phone.
“Yes Micah, I am aware,” I told
him, “you are all man. Wheatgrass
removes toxins from your blood, gives you energy-“
“Sissy men drink that weird crap,”
he said.
“People who drink it regularly
also typically have their gray hair reversed back to the natural color. Swear to God. Look it up.”
Ten second silence.
“We’ll see,” he said.
HaHA! I found
his Achilles heel. Trying to explain to
this man the social conditioning behind his “manly vs sissy” mentality is useless. I love Micah enough to find it
endearing. Usually I find it obnoxious
and stupid. The “manly man” stuff is so
irrational but most West Texas men are still primitive enough to be pretty
hardcore about it and since I fell in love with one of these dudes it just
comes with the package. This yahoo
cotton farmer of mine works very hard every single day and I know the benefits
of healthy eating and techniques. I want
him to have as much energy as possible, feel balanced and alert, blah blah
blah. If he would just cooperate, he
would realize how much better it feels to eat right and take care of
yourself. I am very clever though and
always eventually get this guy to cooperate.
I have found out that appealing to this manly man’s vanity is more
effective than appealing to his health.
I will be exploiting this since I love him. Whish me luck!
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